Dear Love

What is not now but once was

Me feeling the repetition of my heart being torn

Bleed out emotion 

And close your eyes to envision the sights that deceive you

At times it becomes so hard to read you

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

And our memories are see through 

So as they fade away

I stupidly stroll down memory lane 

And rekindle a fire so foolishly ignited

How can I hope to be reunited with my past

When past decisions affect the future we may have shared

Believing that someone cares is a contingency of a road I'd rather not travel

When light is revealed and our mistakes are unraveled

The decision I'm left, I'd rather turn right than to face

But don't misplace the truth or true feelings 

That were equivalent to such an unsolvable expression

With the misguidance that was given

To the young, dumb, innocent

And willing

Dear Lord

I've just gotten to this point in my life where no matter how hard anyone tries,

They'll never even begin to be able to fill this gigantic hole I've created inside.

So many people can only see so far,

While the rest of the entire populace is still stuck on superficial outer facades,  

And there's no one I feel like I can truly depend upon.

And if I don't have anyone to depend on,

Then who'll be there to take my baton when life is ahead in the race?

Who will be my median?

I know I can exaggerate, profoundly so, but I also know that I can be extremely realistic.

I'm scared I won't be able to live up to the expectations I've created for myself,

And I'm scared that the hole I've created inside,

Will prevent me from ever building any true relationships with people.

I'm so intelligent and' I'm so capable, but it's almost as if I have so much going on,

That sometimes even reminding myself of that is a strain.

I'm not sure how to be optimistic when everything around me drives me down the opposite path.

How can you explain to someone of obvious lesser intelligence,

Of obvious lesser maturance, the extremities of your situation?

How can you unravel your whole life's problems on one person

Without damaging them in the process?

Is it so wrong that I hope to find someone that's just as fucked up as I am,

To defeat the possibility of gaining any amount of pity?

Dear lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

Inspiring Greatness

The trial of adversity and forging of true strength is most nearly discovered at rock bottom

When affliction is left to overcome and the mind reaches its true peek  

Having reformed from discontence, the mind gains a level of maturance

It would never have been able to fabricate if not for such an enormous gain  

Through pain, comes inspiration and from this inspiration, emerges greatness;

A raw manifestation of human emotion, extemporaneous a phase as it may be  

This stage is, oftentimes, overlooked;

Forced through the mind to a place in which it is most nearly expelled.

If a person can learn to dispell this expulsion  

They can then become something far more extraordinary than they could ever imagine 

Pieces of Myself

I truly cannot stand people no matter how hard I try

And due to the fact that my obsessive compulsive tendencies drive me to analytical extremes

I often find myself playing the role of an omniscient character in their on going lives  

For some time now I've began to question my ability in making friends

Simply because paying such extra special attention to detail has made it very hard

To believe that there's anyone I can fully trust  

So very few people are let inside of my corrupt mind-frame that in fact  

I can honestly say I'm known by none  

I am an enigma , a never ending puzzle evidently lacking it's core fragment  

My only hope , to be able to someday share with the world

The excerpts of my ever growing imagination 

Deceiving

It's like I'm stuck searching for the thrill of it

Cause every move I make , there's someone to speak ill of it

And until yet, I've been so far into this

Now, it's like.. this feeling, I just wanna rid of it

We were moving too fast, no one told me I'd need Ritalin.. to love

What happened to what I want, did you forget about my needs?

I guess that's how it works now, feelings become associated with greed

And people tend to forget that you can't feed into misconception

It will only result in one or another screaming out DECEPTION!

And this girl, she's just sitting there wishin' she had left 'em

She was so used to breaking hearts 

That she didn't expect for this indention.. within her own 

A Conversation With My Conscious

As I progress things seem to stay the same

I can do it all, at least that's what my teachers say

That's what they want me to believe 

But it seems to me the more that I plot, and the more that I scheme 

The less of a difference I seem to make 

How can I make it through the day knowing that I have no plan for a future

Valedictorian grades, but the scholarships are useless

Knowing that I've wasted all of these years playing stupid 

All of these years in the sandlot with Scotty

Where's your head at smalls?

Big dreams of Bugattis

But you can't even make your own decisions?

What kind of world do we live in where you're so scared of criticism

That you wouldn't dare to ask for help?

What type of world would make you think that it's okay to believe so little in yourself?

So little in doing 

No harm in saying, but you're afraid so you bite your tongue 

I guess a part of you changed and you lost yourself chasing unrequited loves 

Making excuses like, "I should of known better, but hey I'm young."

Like being young should make a difference 

When the only difference to be made is within yourself

So many words left hanging in your cacophonous silence

That it's written on your face, you need help 

And you don’t have to do this alone , I’m here with you

Get it together smalls, there’s no issue

Depression

Sometimes I become buried so deep within myself that waking up is a strain  
My past coincides with my present and the memories I've obtained 
All the attention I need lies within my grasp  
But my mind eliminates the prospects in a genocidal act 
Repelling all my options, determined to seclude  
Reiterating its decision as I'm stuck in interlude 
With my life set on pause, the future seems intact 
But the faster I move the dial, the more certainty it lacks 
Depression creeps upon me and from the world I contract  
Becoming less ocular as my emotions entrap 
Me 

Day Dreaming

If I had faith, I'd say pray for me  
If I were strong, I'd stay lonely 
If you had sense, you'd stay roaming  
Cause if you were smart, you'd know my mind's astray 
Zoning 
In and out of reality 
Having difficulty differentiating between dreams and actuality 
But actually  
I wouldn't say I'm crazy 
Cause in fact I'm quite sane  
It's just when I see the bright lights, I find myself strolling down memory lane  
Like I hit fast forward and I skipped all the pain 
Just to become a star 
And now, I find myself envisioning days to come 
As if I were the moon and I envied the sun 
In a hurry to shine  
Knowing not how to walk, yet insisting to run 

My Forever

Never in my life could I have anticipated falling so hard 
And not once have I contemplated an ever after 
But within your arms, I've found my fairytale 
My prince, my prince, your love is so pure 
Your clothes might not be steel and your car may be no steed 
But I do believe 
Your love is stronger than any man's sword 
Break down the walls that took countless dragon keepers to forge 
And steal away the heart that's been withheld 
The road is long and the gorge is deep  
But I promise you prince  
My forever is your reward 

Farewell Childhood

And in this silence my body's become numb. Mangled and stranded; I hear a faint hum. In the distance it grows, my pupils they fade. This nothing is forming, more so each day. Vegetation creeps upon me as my sanity strays. Irrevocably changing, adjusting to pain. I hear the words yet not what you say. I grasp for attention but none's come my way. Broke and neglected, my thoughts so eclectic. A life is now lost, right where you left it.

The "ID"

And so, since I've fully secured my place in hell, I've abandoned every shred of emotion I once obtained; Every OUNCE of genuousity, every inch of sincerity. I have no regard for the being of others, no sympathy for the less fortunate. I have instilled myself with a sense of egotism and discarded every fragment of morale that's been forced upon me throughout the years. Why should I believe that everything happens for a reason? That the trials and tribulations placed before us are for the "greater good"? Maybe the occurrences in life are all part of some hierarchy's cruel sense of humor. Maybe, however unlikely it may seem, there's an all knowing being who has bigger plans for the world. Whatever it may be, I've decided to occupy my mind on the present tense. To live within the "ID", as Freud once defined it, and focus on what's truly important; Myself.

Within the Folds of My Cerebral Complex

As the shadows descend and night begins to fall
My mind begins to wander beyond hidden crevices of knowledge 
Buried deep with in the folds of my cerebral complex 
Stumbling ever so slightly upon enchanting memories 
Of a time when life wasn't so very hard to handle 
It continues it's journey 
Hesitantly lingering upon forgotten dreams and unrequited loves 
Wishing it could stay forever among the lime green meadows and pale blue skies 
This is where I’ve found myself you see 
Not quite the "me" that I appear to be, but as a reflection of my former self 
A young child, so pure and untainted 
And I’ve suddenly realized how corrupt my life has become 
We are no longer one for I am an individual 
She is 
I am, alone

The Truth

Within your mind, behind the walls that you've built so diligently over time, between your insecurities and your intellectual flaws, lies the truth. The insignificant factor we so rarely accept. The words, the images, the memories we force ourselves to overlook so as to defeat the restless instability; the things we ignore that could, quite possibly, be the source of many a sleepless nights if let loose upon our unsuspecting thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if an extemporaneous young being could handle these truths, containing such a naive mind frame. If they could withstand the pain their simple minds inflict upon those around them, if they unleashed it upon themselves. They are unknowing, ignorant even, to the reality of it all. Could they rightfully be blamed for their wrong doings? Could they be considered a storm? Or would they be thought of as more of a drizzle... brought on and thoroughly provoked by adolescence? Inexcusable as they are, can your faults be forgiven? Are there exceptions to morality? As I ponder these thoughts... I realize how truly wonderful it is to be so righteously damned.